tms week five


circa 2009

I can't believe it has been five weeks already.

That means next week is my last week of every day visits.

Week seven will be 3 days.

Week eight, 2.

And finally, week 9, 1 day.

(with a NYC sister trip thrown in there between weeks eight and nine!)

This week was an absolute game changer.

We decided to try the 3 minute "bursts" instead of the drawn out 19 minute procedure.

By Wednesday, I was laughing at how quickly it was over.

The pain/feeling is best described as "jarring."

It feels like my teeth are trying to go through my jaw and brain, towards the magnet.

Very strange. 

A bit painful.

But...for only THREE MINUTES.

My survey Monday was back to the high 'teens.

So, I'd say this week was a success.


This weekend, Brandon and I are headed to Branson, MO for a marriage retreat.

With my mental/physical illnesses, the thing that has taken the biggest hit is our marriage.

I'm not the same girl as pictured above.

I feel like I've been through the wringer, barely hanging on.

But that guy up there...

he's never wavered.

Not once.

When I've felt like he could do so much better, 

he's fought for us.

When I've said hurtful words towards him,

he's fought for us.

When I've changed in so many unpleasant and new ways, 

he's fought for us.

14 years later and he's still fighting for us.

Please pray for us this weekend.

Pray that God renews our love.

Pray that I can see the true reality of God and Brandon's love for me.

Pray that the enemy knows, once and for all, he can't have us. 


tms week four


My sweet valentine's.

Last week, I mentioned taking a survey of sorts every Monday.

I've had some questions on that, so I'll explain a little more.

There are 4 statements per section.

An example: 

0 I like the way I look.

1 There are a few physical changes I wish to make.

2 I wish I could make permanent changes to my appearance.

3 I think I’m ugly.

They refer to body, mind, sleeping, emotions, etc.  

Once you finish, you add them all up and get a single score.

The lower, the better.

Weeks 1 and 2, I was high 30s, in the severe depression range.

Week 3, however, like I mentioned, my score was 18.

I was shocked!

Now, obviously, these surveys are a response to the previous week, not the week ahead.

Week 3 was a rough week for me.

It hurt.

Every facet of my life felt off.

(And, in my true, transparent, messy form: husband and I did get into a little “heated fellowship” over the weekend.)

And that allllll ran into this Monday’s survey.

I was back in the high 30s.

Concerned for the “dip” in score, my Dr asked how I was and mentioned how he was a bit worried this may not be working.

He said it could just a be a bad weekend.

Or it could just be bad timing in life to try TMS.

(To which my brain responded, “Bruh, this IS my life…nothin’ changin’!”) 

Overall, he wants to re-adjust, maybe re-map my brain, and increase.the.power.

Overall, I feel like I failed.

It’s been SO hard to NOT feel defeated. 

After my appointment today, I walked into his office, much like walking into the principals office.

We decided there are two options.

One, we will try Monday. 

Instead of 10 seconds “on” and 10 seconds “off,” there’s a 3 minute option. 

1,000 pulses per minute, for 3 minutes.

See, in my brain, the 10 seconds of relief gets me worked up, preparing for the next round.

I literally start counting by 40s all the way to 3,000.

(That’s why your cards of verses and prayers come in handy!)

I think doing it all at once will hurt, but it will also be over and done with.

Eventually, inevitably, he would like to increase the power.

I’m at 120% now, and the higher we go, the deeper the pulses reach the correct part of my brain. 

Buuuuut, also the more it hurts.

Buuuuuut, but…this is all progress.

It’s all FORWARD progress.

My God, my Dr, my family and friends, are all FOR me.

I’m not failing.

I’m not defeated.

This can still work.


tms week three


(Snuck a super-flattering selfie for you guys. The black thing on the left is a cushion that I rest my head on. The weird contraption stuck on my forehead is what they use to measure where my head/brain is located which is then translated to the computer screen in front of me. The large thing on the right is the actual magnet, where the pulses "shoot" through.)

I don't have much to say about this week except... it hurt.

I think it will just hurt from here on out.

Every Monday, I am given a questionnaire of sorts.

Every Monday, I rate myself on a scale of 1-4 in 20-30 ways.

My happiness.

My energy.

My health.


Every other week, my total score is 36-38.

Which is in the "Severely Depressed" range.

This week, however, my score was 18.

I was in shock. (no pun intended.)

I recounted about 20x to be sure.

I KNOW that's a win.

But this week as a whole, since I woke up Monday morning, has felt like one huge loss.

I feel like I've taken 5 steps backward.

Like my mind and body aren't syncing.

Here's hoping week four brings clarity and peace.

And maybe, just maybe, a little less pain.

(Only 6 more weeks to go...)


tms week two


120% babyyyy!

Going into week two, I was SO much more prepared.

Mentally, physically, and spiritually.

God's family y'all.

At church Sunday, I was stopped by so many sweet people asking about me and checking in on me.

I was enveloped by arms as I went down to the alter to pray.

I FELT His presence.

I haven't felt that in a long, long time.

Thank you.

The weather in Arkansas has been frosty as of late. 

School was out M-W, so we had two cuties in the car on the way to my appointments.

Monday, Emmerson prayed over me before I got out of the car.

Something about hearing my sweet 8 year old pray that "Mommy would know You are right beside her..."

I lost it.

My babes.

Monday went as planned.

We "upped" the percentage some and it only hurt a little.

Tuesday was canceled because the road conditions were so bad.

Wednesday, I MADE IT TO 120%!

I couldn't believe it when my Dr "upped" the power and then proclaimed, "That's 120!"

I seriously almost told him to shut up. 

I couldn't believe it.

A lot have asked what it feels like.

It's hard to put into exact words, but have you ever been to a chiropractor, or had those sticky pads put on your back, legs, etc, that pulse electricity?

It's like that.

Only, it's on the highest power and 40 individual "shocks" for 10 seconds straight, a 10 second break, then 40 more, and so on.

For roughly 20 minutes.

So, yes. It hurts.

And, I don't know why, but some days it REALLY hurts.

Thursday, REALLY hurt.

(I also tripped and sprained my ankle getting ready that morning, so that may have been a source of pain.)

Friday, REALLY hurt, again. 

I’m afraid it might just hurt from here on. 

2 weeks down, 7 to go! 

We got this.