silence in the darkness

Hi.

This makes me nervous.

If you know me well, you know that silence from me isn't a good sign.

It's the sound of withdrawal, bricks being laid, and eyes shutting closed.

I can be transparent when what's inside makes a bit of sense, 

but when it's completely dark, upside down, twisted...

I feel fake.

Not like "lying" fake, more like "I don't even know who Lauren is anymore... so kbye." 

This is the messy blog and I can't only write after the mess has been cleaned up.

But when my prayers go unanswered, my healing hasn't come, and my heart feels defeated,

my instinct is to clam up.

Hide the mess.

Pull up the covers.

And close my eyes.

"You crush the enemy

Underneath my feet

You are my sword and shield

Though troubles linger still

Whom shall I fear?

I know who goes before me

I know who stands behind

The God of angel armies

Is always by my side

The one who reigns forever

He is a friend of mine

The God of angel armies

Is always by my side"

though my heart is torn

I was sure by now God, You would have reached down and wiped my tears away, stepped in and saved the day.

And once again, I say, "Amen" and it's still raining.

But as the thunder rolls, I barely hear Your whisper through the rain, "I'm with you."

And as Your mercy falls, I'll raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away.

I'll praise You in this storm and I will lift my hands, for You are who You are, no matter where I am.

And every tear I've cried, You hold in Your hand.

You never left my side.

And though my heart is torn, I will praise You in this storm.

I remember when I stumbled in the wind.

You heard my cry. 

You raised me up again.

But my strength is almost gone.

How can I carry on if I can't find You?

I lift my eyes unto the hills, where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth.

I'll praise You in this storm and I will lift my hands, for You are who You are, no matter where I am.

And every tear I've cried, You hold in Your hand.

You never left my side.

And though my heart is torn, I will praise You in this storm.

(when it started...here) 

(when it was time for help...here) 

(when we came here...here) 

(when we started therapy...here) 

(when my "if" changed to "and"...here)

friday joys (on a thursday)

 {why "friday joys" here}

It's been so long and I have so much to say, but it's all a mess up in there, so I'll start with something I know. 

matching family christmas pajamas (Yes, we took these in January. Yes, I'm posting them in February. and...) bullet journals. sudoku puzzles (Even though I am notoriously bad at them. Like, can never finish a single one. I'm still obsessed.) definitely NOT having the flu on valentine's. (The romantic in me was crushed this week.) when your babies start asking salvation questions. a fully cleaned house. (oh man, what does that feel like? It's been so long and I've been so sick...) just good ol' laughing. baby-sitters. date night. (*hint*hint*) red nails.

emmerson turned 7! (only a few weeks late...)

Not quite sure how I'm old enough to have a 7 year old.

Also, not sure why she looks (and acts 17.)

Thank goodness for those missing teeth, keeping her young.

We love you, sweet girl.

tuesday letters

 

Dear Emmerson, 

This weekend, you turn 7. Last weekend, I cut some layers into your hair. Thank goodness for that missing tooth or you'd look even older than you already act.

Dear COVID,

Go. Away. You messed with my Christmas plans and you make everyone nervous. No one likes you.

Dear Audiobooks,

I need to apologize. I used to believe it wasn't "real reading" unless you were holding a book in your hands. But, I have seen the error in my ways. I can "read" now and hold all the things in my hands! I'm sorry.

Dear Yarn,

Why you so expensive? Is there a black market for yarn? Can someone help a sista out?

Dear 2022,

Come on in. Make yourself comfy. No one will bother you as long as you don't bother us...k?