tuesday letters

 

Dear Body,

I get it. I pushed you pretty hard in high school dance and now I'm paying for it...but really. Whiplash from blow drying my hair? Sprained ankle that lasts for months (and caused opposing hip problems?) I just can't with you.

Dear Arkansas,

Why do you have so many flies?

Dear Clothes,

Clean yourselves. I'm too tired. Let's all agree to be naked or only wear the same 3 outfits a week. Yeah?

Dear Curly Hair Friends,

How do you diffuse your hair (upside down/side to side for volume) without completely destroying your neck? (Air drying would take 24 hours with the amount of hair I have.)

Dear You,

All of you reading this. You probably read all my TMS updates as well. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I cannot tell you how God used your words, hugs, "likes," and "hearts." I wish I could host a party and invite everyone from all over to celebrate you. 

my new identity

There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under the heavens: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 (emphasis mine)

For almost ten years (maybe even longer) I've been carrying around a sign that read:

Depression, Anxiety, Broken, Unworthy

About halfway through my TMS (trans-cranial magnetic stimulation) treatments, when I started noticing changes, I struggled with re-wiring my inner voice.

For far too long, I allowed test results to define who I was.

Depression is a part of me.

Anxiety is a part of me.

Just like music is a part of me.

Church ministry is a part of me.

My children and husband are a part of me.

But these things do not define who I am as a whole.

Depression steals and twists my emotions.

Anxiety takes so much from me.

Worship through music has changed from the stage to the audience.

Church ministry has been marred by my depression and anxiety.

My family, my marriage, hit rock bottom.

But these things do not define who I am as a whole.

A lot of change has happened in this year alone.

My health.

My roles in our church.

My family.

It's left me spinning.

Questioning, "who am I now?"

The truth, I know, is that I am who I've always been...a child of God.

Because He is who He's always been...God.

It's a head knowledge thanks to a strong foundation I've had since childhood...

but it's proven to be a long road to get that to become a heart knowledge.

I don't know why He chose to give me this basket full of depression, anxiety, music, ministry, and family.

But, I accept it.

And now, I accept that I am fully and wholly in His arms.

I know depression and anxiety will always be a part of me.

But they will not define me.

tms week eight

 

Loving these babies in a whole new light.

Week eight was short and sweet.

Just 3 treatments and only 1 more to go!

I'm currently in Georgia, watching Netflix with my sis-in-law, waiting for my baby nephew snuggles, and on Saturday we are headed to NYC!

My absolute dream trip and I can't even believe it's finally happenning! 

Next week I will have so much more to say about this whole TMS journey, the healing, the amount of encouragement I've received, all of it.

But for now, I've got New York on my mind...

tms week seven

 

Spring.

The season of new life.

Seems fitting for the closure of my TMS procedures.

Most of you follow my blog's Facebook page and probably saw the video I posted Monday.

In short...

it's working.

My biggest takeaway from this week is that God is not withholding healing from me.

If you asked me 7 weeks ago if I thought God would heal me, I would have laughed at you.

Then probably cried.

Because I truly believed He wasn't hearing me or deliberately choosing to not heal me.

I couldn't understand why.

(I still don't, not really.)

But I strongly believe that will come in time.

Right now, though, I'm sitting in His healing.

Right now, I don't care why.

Right now, I'm re-learning how to be "normal."

And it feels so, so good.

(Next week, I have 3 procedures, a quick trip to NYC, then one last procedure upon my return.)

tms week six

 

The prettiest flowers come from little boys that call you "Mama."

When I arrived Monday, I took my usual survey...

And my score was 11.

ELEVEN.

Not even in the "depression" zone.

Just the "mild mood disturbance" zone.

I'm sorry, what?!

What I'm combating the most against is "re-training" my brain to accept good as good.

Wins as wins.

Because old Lauren quickly thinks, 

"You scored so well only because you had a weekend away from the kids and life."

"Of course you feel fine now, you had a getaway weekend!"

"Just look at the rest of the week, you'll see."

Because it HAS been a rough week.

Brandon had the flu last week/turned sinus infection over the weekend/turned bronchitis.

So, I've had a lot more on my plate.

Unfortunately, that shuts me down.

I go into survival mode.

I get the kids dressed, fed, from point A to B to C, etc.

This week, I heard a quote that stopped me in my tracks.

"Are you having a bad day or did you have a bad 5 minutes that you've been milking all day?"

Ouch.

People have bad days. 

Normal people have bad days.

That doesn't mean I've failed, or the TMS isn't working, or I'm not normal. 

There's guilt that I've undone every amazing thing I learned at our weekend retreat.

(Which was absolutely amazing.)

But, even though I haven't been jumping around with joy every second of every day...

I haven't spiraled.

That's a major difference.

I had lunch with a bestie this week and I asked her if she noticed a difference...

To which she emphatically responded, "YES."

I'm choosing to believe my friend.

I'm choosing to believe my Husband.

I'm choosing to believe the scores.

I'm choosing to believe that God is healing me.

(Due to a bad weather day and having to miss an appointment this week, I go M-F again next week.

Then 3x week 8.

And 1x week 9.)