We never want to
take for granted the things God has given us.
Until we have
seemingly everything, but that one thing...
Brandon and I
have been fairly quiet about our struggle. Out of respect for others and mostly
because of being at a loss for words. We know we aren’t alone and this journey
has made our marriage and testimonies even stronger.
We spent years
watching women becoming mothers and men becoming fathers.
I spent years
crying every month when another test failed.
We spent
thousands of dollars on doctors with no answers.
I spent countless
prayers asking "why?"
We spent hours
searching for comfort, articles to explain our situation.
I spent hours in
waiting rooms, nervously swaying in my seat.
In our lives, this
news is more than a positive pregnancy test and ultrasound.
It carries the pain
and years of infertility, negative results, and baffled doctors.
My heart can
truly rejoice, because I've felt the emptiness of infertility.
But I will never
be able to forget the pain of infertility. I won't forget the women that I've
met that still struggle with infertility.
I've read stories
similar to the one I'm writing now, with tears in my eyes and jealousy in my
heart. I've rolled my eyes and exclaimed "Great for you. It's easy for you
to trust in God and give Him everything, but nothing is working for me and I'm
still hurting."
I've been there.
That's been my home for almost three years. I still fight the temptation to be
back in that mindset.
More than share
our good news, I want to offer comfort to those hurting. I want our testimony
to be heard.
I never want to
be insensitive to those who are still hurting.
There isn't a
fix-all.
I know you’ve
heard it before; God brings families together in many different ways.
Adoption. IVF.
Foster. Naturally.
But sometimes, He
doesn’t bring what we believe should be ours.
To everyone that
knew about our struggle over the past few years, the prayers, encouragement,
and shoulders to cry on have meant more than you will ever know.
Everyone has a
different story and this is ours.
I want the shame
that comes with infertility to be banished.
I want there to
be nothing but a positive outlook for women and men that struggle with
this.
It's not
fair.
But, it's not
your fault.
God had to break
me and allow me to have nothing, so I could see everything He's done.
I had to be
content with nothing. To truly realize that He was in control and nothing I did
would change the outcome.
Be content with
nothing but Him.
But what about
the solid, godly women and men who can't have children?
"If it be
so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the furnace of blazing
fire; and He will deliver us out of your hand, O king. "But even if
He does not, let it be known to you, O king, that we are not going to serve
your gods or worship the golden image that you have set up."
Daniel 3:17-18
If it’s His will,
He is able.
Even if not, He
is still God.
Even if we
weren't pregnant, He is still God.
Even if I stayed
infertile for the rest of my life, He is still God.
With this child,
I will serve my God.
In raising this
child, I will glorify my King.
In our testimony,
I want God’s faithfulness to be evident, even if we weren’t given healing.
I wish we were
all promised healing. If I had a magic potion, I'd share it with all the
hurting women. But, I have a God, and I have His love. Ultimately, that's all
I've ever needed.
For those that
are hurting from miscarriage to infertility, you are not alone. I understand
the shame and guilt that you’re feeling. I’ve dealt with the disappointment and
false hopes. I’ve lived the silent war of infertility.
I never want to
be insensitive to ones still in pain. We aren't all promised healing. It's not
your fault. You are still a vital part of God's plan. I don’t have the perfect
Bible verse to speak straight into your heart, or a deep theological
explanation for your suffering. All I have is, I’ve been there, and I’m so
sorry for your pain.
I will never take
for granted the blessing God has given Brandon and me. I am even more joyous
because of the path that we had to go on to get here.
Joining us,
January of 2015, baby Crews.
