Joy has been my desire for years.
I yearn for true joy.
I search for true joy.
I receive it...
then it's stolen.
By the Facebook post that makes me jealous...
By the words of someone else that cut me deep...
By my only-human husband...
By my innocent toddler...
By the mirror...
Where is my joy being stored that it's so easily stolen?
Why do I keep putting it back into the hands of the one that has no regard for it?
This week in particular has been hard.
I broke down talking to Husband.
I broke down talking to my Mama.
I broke down talking to my sister.
Where's my joy?
While I'm throwing up almost daily...
Where's my joy?
When I'm spending more time lying down than playing with my daughter...
Where's my joy?
When I'm already battling the familiar feelings of post-pardum depression...while pregnant...
I've mistakenly placed my joy in the wrong hands.
I gave it to Husband to protect.
I gave it to my daughter guard.
I gave it to my business to provide.
I gave it to social media to determine.
I gave it to my friends to hold.
But I realized...
Placing my joy anywhere but in Christ's hands is giving it directly to the enemy.
Husband loves me most, but still disappoints.
Emmerson is a toddler.
My business will rise and fall.
Social media can be manipulated.
My friends can unknowingly hurt with their words.
I cannot gain my truths or find true joy in those hands.
His words have to become my truth.
"Splendor and majesty are before him; strength and joy are in his dwelling place."
1 Chronicles 16:27
If I want to dwell with Him, then I must dwell in strength and joy.
The best part is, I don't have to rely on myself for strength.
(I can't, I've tried.)
"...Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength."
Nehemiah 8:10
His joy is my strength.
He is everlasting joy, therefore, I have everlasting strength.
Only He can turn my sorrows into joy and my mourning into celebration. (Esther 9:22)
Not Husband.
Not family.
Not my career.
Not social media.
Not even well-meaning friends.
The problem is, I have to allow Him.
I have to give Him my burdens in exchange for His peace and His joy.
Husband can only take away so much of my hurt before it no longer helps.
The enemy loves to remind me of my failures and short-comings.
Leaving my joy in those hands is ridiculous.
Yet, I do it everyday.
I wake up and place my joy in my appearance
(which is ever-changing in pregnancy and does nothing but magnify the existing insecurities.)
When that doesn't work, I place my joy in my family.
and so on...
and so on...
and so on...
and so by the end of the day I'm left weak and robbed of true joy.
I've not yet mastered this.
Not even close.
But my prayer is to become more aware of where I'm placing my joy.
A place where it cannot be stolen.