snaggle-toothed grins (Emmerson lost a tooth!) the new smackle of "frecko's" across Hutch's face. (zoom in!) facetimes with baby Jack. warm, cozy, Christmas vibes. wrapping presents. sleepovers in Mommy and Daddy's bed. all.the.Hobby.Lobby.things. making poms. delilah on the radio. documentaries.
Growing up in a strong, Christian community in the 90s,
I was under the belief that if God was within you, depression simply cannot be there too.
For years I struggled with doubt.
I AM in a very dark place and I DO love God...
am I really saved?
I remember pieces of the night I asked my mom and dad to pray with me.
I remember being baptized by my dad at the precious age of 6.
But my high school years were racked with fears and doubts.
In college, while ministering next to my (soon-to-be) husband, I reconciled my doubts.
I was having heavy, dark times, therefore, I was not saved.
So, in an emotionally driven (think: last night of summer camp with our youth students worship service,)
I laid down my life.
Thinking THIS time, it'll work.
THIS time, I won't feel anymore depression and anxiety.
My (soon-to-be) husband baptized me.
All my doubts flew away.
Fast forward a few years (full of even more doubts and fears) and I realized this wasn't an "if" situation.
IF I'm a Christian, there cannot be depression.
IF I love God, I won't have anxiety.
The world, and Lauren, had to see that it was an "and" situation.
I AM a Christian AND I have depression.
I love God AND I have anxiety.
That thinking changed how I viewed, well, everything.
I knew I had a secure relationship with Christ AND I also had something mis-firing in my brain.
The two CAN hold hands.
(turning to medication on my next post...)