i'm gonna praise

I used to believe you couldn’t worship through song while you were fighting your darkness. 

I thought it would be hypocritical to sing the words that caused an internal struggle. 

That type of thinking stripped so much joy from my life. 

For years, I lost the song in my heart as I sat in silence. 

How could I praise Him? 

Why should I? 

The answer, I now know, is because HE DOESN’T LEAVE ME THERE. 

There, in my darkness. 

There, in my pain. 

There, alone and lost. 

I CAN sing while I’m there because being there is never the end. 

He’s never left me in my darkness before and He will bring me out again.

“I'm gonna sing my way out of the valley. 
I'm gonna shout my way up to the mountain. 
I will take hold of the truth of Your promise. 
I'm gonna praise. I'm gonna praise. 
I'm gonna push through 'til every lie crumbles. 
I'm gonna dance in the midst of the rain. 
I'm gonna rest in the arms of the Father. 
I'm gonna praise. I'm gonna praise Your name.”

I can praise because He’s promised there’s more to come. 

He’s promised this isn’t the end and the story will continue.

”Fear and depression,
Shame and confusion,
You have to bow.
You have to bow.
All lesser things
That demand my attention,
You have to bow.”

friday joys.

 

kindergarten graduation ceremonies. caramel frappes with extra caramel drizzles. baby baby birds. researching hard biblical questions. ogre ear plants. when thursdays are your fridays. starting a new book. being called "mama." house full of rowdy, but polite teenage boys. organizing by color.

what brings you joy this friday?

tuesday letters

Dear Hair,

Please grow. Grow like never before. Give me all the Rapunzel juju you have. Like a crazy ex-girlfriend, I'm going crazy, crazy, crazy just a thinkin' about you baby. 

Dear Apple Cider Vinegar,

How can something that tastes so vile be so good for you? Taste better. 

Dear Husband,

No, there is no such thing as "too many plants" in one house. It's not hoarding if it's plants (saw that one on a shirt, has to be true.)

Dear Allie Beth Stuckey, 

You're really hurting my feelings with your book "You're Not Enough (And That's Okay)" Stop. But don't stop.

Dear Hair,

I know. I know. I just miss you.

this is depression, part 2

Unless you’ve experienced depression, you probably don’t know what it feels like or what can be done to help. 

For me, I feel a sudden weight pressing down. 

I call it “feeling heavy.”

 A heaviness on my chest and in my mind that usually comes out of nowhere. 

No trigger, no explanation.

So what can YOU do? 

The spouse, the sibling, the friend. 

•LISTEN to them. Give them the space to let it all out. Let them feel heard and validated. 

•Don’t try to fix it. Most times, there’s no logical explanation, which means no logical solution. Just be a presence. Again, validate that “x” is awful and that you’re sorry it’s happening to them. 

•Be there. See it as the sickness it is and give compassion. 

•If they have babies, TAKE THEM. In my darkest moments, the last thing I want or need is my children to be around it. 

•Offer to clean their house. Or bring them food. 

•Support and encourage them. If their episodes become longer and more frequent, help them seek professional help. I see a therapist weekly, and I take anti-depressants. 

•Speak truth to them. In my darkness, my reality has warped. The lies of the enemy become my anthem. “You’re a horrible mother. You shouldn’t even be ministering to girls. Your husband thinks you’re a burden. You’re fat. You bring no worth.” I don’t believe my truths, but I can hear them when they’re spoken over me. I can see them when those around me live like I DO bring worth to their lives. 

•Let them nap. Not like, days in a row, but sleeping gives a break in the heaviness. I can be running around on 10 hours of sleep and immediately become overwhelmed with exhaustion. We’re not lazy. We’re hurting. 

Of course, these are only a few ways you can help. There are more and each person has their own needs. ASK them. Straight up, “What can I do right now for you?” And give them a space to be honest in their response because it’s a knee jerk reaction for us to say, “I’m fine!” We don’t want to burden anyone. Which just doubles the weight back on us. 

Look for the signs. Exhaustion, seclusion, moodiness, extreme mood swings, etc. We can fight this together.

friday joys.

books with happy endings.  the way hutch says "spageetos" instead of mosquitos.  texas bluebonnets growing in arkansas.  papasan chairs.  comfort cooling sheets.  flair pens and empty notebooks.  when puppies look straight down at something.  new friends that feel like old friends.  baseball caps and dresses.  tee ball leagues. 

this is depression

The smiling lady holding her new puppy? 

She struggles with depression. 

The pastor’s wife that sings on stage? 

She has crippling anxiety. 

The mom of two “perfect” (ha.) children? 

She can’t get out of bed some days. 

The person that posts happy pictures and little moments of her day? 

They take antidepressants because something just.won’t.click. in their brains. 

The woman full of smiles and hellos every Sunday morning? 

She’s never felt so lonely in her life. 

Check on your friends. 

Your acquaintances. 

Your family. 

Your librarian. 

Your cashier. 

Your teachers. 

Your pastor. 

Your kids. 

Depression doesn’t come with a physical trait. It’s an invisible disease that infects more people than you’d ever realize. 

It’s an exhausting battle, fellow Christians. 

See us. Speak His truth into us. Fight for us.

hutch says...

{I'm aways keeping an on-going note in my phone for the funny things Emmerson and Hutch say.}

Hutch is our clown. But, he's the smart kind of funny. At only 3, he understands the importance of tone and timing to land a good laugh. We truly are cracking up at him on the daily. (These particular "funnies" are from when he just started to talk.)

*a little red-headed baby strolls into the store*

"HAHA! Baby Hutch!"

*Screaming at Alexa to stop playing the wrong song*

"EXA! DOP! EXA! DOP!"

"Hey. Peace out."

*After I came out of the bathroom*

"YES! GOOD JOB MOMMY!"

*Speaking to sister under her door, sent there for time out.*

"Didter, what wrong? Why you crying? Is otay. I be right back, Didter."

"I don't want to be a big boy now. Big boy ew.

Seat belt. Ew.

Breakfast. Ew.

Night Night. Ew."

These few phrases wrap up Hutch in the most perfect way. He's so silly, but also SO sweet...he loves his people well. (Don't get me wrong...he's extra sour. That red hair flairs from time to time.)

tuesday letters

 

Dear Covid, 

Thanks for stopping by. Some might say you're a little late to the party, but we know you just like to make an entrance. Now, make an exit and give me my smell back.

Dear First Lavaca church family,    

I will never stop saying it, living far away from family isn't easy. Especially when one of you is so, so sick. BUT, when you have a church family like we do, you *almost* forget you're "alone." Thank you for the groceries, the dinners, the check ups, and the flowers. We survived only because of you!

Dear Summer, 

I'm not ready for you yet. So, please go back into your little hole and wait your turn.

Dear Husband, 

Thanks for holding down the fort this past week and a half. Whenever I got a glance at the kids, they seemed fed and mostly clean. I'll accept my "I don't know how you do it. You're the best wife." speech in the form of Amazon Prime. Thanks.

Dear Candy Crush,

I quit you years ago, but isolation makes you do crazy things. Welcome back, old friend.