my new identity

There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under the heavens: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heala time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, a time to search and a time to give upa time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to menda time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 (emphasis mine)

For almost ten years (maybe even longer) I've been carrying around a sign that read:

Depression, Anxiety, Broken, Unworthy

About halfway through my TMS (trans-cranial magnetic stimulation) treatments, when I started noticing changes, I struggled with re-wiring my inner voice.

For far too long, I allowed test results to define who I was.

Depression is a part of me.

Anxiety is a part of me.

Just like music is a part of me.

Church ministry is a part of me.

My children and husband are a part of me.

But these things do not define who I am as a whole.

Depression steals and twists my emotions.

Anxiety takes so much from me.

Worship through music has changed from the stage to the audience.

Church ministry has been marred by my depression and anxiety.

My family, my marriage, hit rock bottom.

But these things do not define who I am as a whole.

A lot of change has happened in this year alone.

My health.

My roles in our church.

My family.

It's left me spinning.

Questioning, "who am I now?"

The truth, I know, is that I am who I've always been...a child of God.

Because He is who He's always been...God.

It's a head knowledge thanks to a strong foundation I've had since childhood...

but it's proven to be a long road to get that to become a heart knowledge.

I don't know why He chose to give me this basket full of depression, anxiety, music, ministry, and family.

But, I accept it.

And now, I accept that I am fully and wholly in His arms.

I know depression and anxiety will always be a part of me.

But they will not define me.

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