monday words

"Oh the weather outside is frightful..."

Too soon?

Although, we have been having multiple rainy days and nights the past few weeks.

And since "I love all things that make people miserable"

(as my friend so lovingly put it)

I have enjoyed every minute of the rain.

Rain brings cold.

Cold brings sweaters, moccasins, boots, candles, pumpkins (the list never ends.)

Not to mention the holidays that are soon to arrive!

Halloween, Thanksgiving, CHRISTMAS.

And ohmylanta...

Emmerson is due anywhere from Christmas Eve to the beginning of January.

(2 guesses which date I'm hoping she chooses to arrive!)

The excitement is almost too much to bear.

Pregnancy has been everything I wanted and more than I imagined.

I haven't really experienced crazy cravings, I naturally love and crave food, so no noticeable difference from any other day in the life of Lauren.

But the hormones?

Oh man...those are real.

Poor Brandon. He truly has been the best during my crazy spells.

Like one day I woke up completely convinced he didn't love me anymore.

And he won't let me watch Criminal Minds because pregnant Lauren takes their stories as REAL LIFE and WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN?

All crazy spells come with the company of pretty impressive cries.

And I know I'm being irrational, but my feelings and heartbreak is so real!

So real.

Thanks to amazing family members and my knack for painting and reusing furniture, 

Emmerson's nursery is basically complete.

It's my favorite room in the whole world.

If I'm ever feeling sad, I just grab a blanket and snuggle on the floor of her room.

The puppies follow me and think I'm crazy.

Which, I am...but also pregnant, so it's allowed.

And let's just be real for a second,

I am t-terrified of labor and all that follows.

Pain and me...we ain't homies.

Paper cuts bring a tear to my eye.

So, I cannot even imagine.

And I try my hardest to NOT imagine...

and Husband forbade me from reading all the "horror" stories of labor.

T-totally worth it, Lauren.

All in all, life is pretty near perfect here in our slice of the world.

Just waiting on a job.

The big j.o.b.

Teaching has proven to be more difficult and "unreachable" as of now.

Plus add in the fact that I'm over 5 months pregnant...

I walk into a place (belly first) and they see someone who will work for a few months, take a maternity leave, and never return.

Talk about discrimination.

If they only knew I'd kill to work for them and bring some more financial stability to our house.

When those moments overwhelm me and I begin to feel worthless, 

I look down at my growing belly,

over to my handsome husband, 

and up to my amazing Heavenly Father,

and remember that this...

all this,

is in His hands.

dreaming of baby girl...

She has a gender.

She has a name.

She has a face that husband already claims has my nose.

She has us wrapped and we haven't even "met" her yet.

I can't stop remembering seeing her at the ultrasound yesterday.

30 minutes of uninterrupted Emmerson movie-time.

I prayed for clear boy/girl parts and baby girl was in the perfect position 

(little behind sticking straight up.)

Cute for now, but we'll work on lady like positions when she's here.

She was moooooooving.

Active little girl.

(Can't actually feel her yet, but she was swinging all arms and legs, 

opening and closing her cute little mouth.)

Dancer, maybe?

Pinterest is no longer a safe place for me.

Give me all things baby girl!

Headbands! Oh the headbands.

(Not the oversized bows/flowers though. 

Simple, precious is the key.)

Everything I'd wear, but mini sized.

Yes, I will be that mom.

The one that occasionally matches with her baby.

No shame.

I hope she has Husband's black hair and freckles.

And Mamaw's smile.

I've already cried thinking about her daddy giving her away at her wedding.

And telling her all about the lady her middle name came from (my Mamaw.)

Oh, Emmerson Marie, you have stolen our hearts and turned our world upside down.

baby crews (our story)

We never want to take for granted the things God has given us. 

Until we have seemingly everything, but that one thing...

Brandon and I have been fairly quiet about our struggle. Out of respect for others and mostly because of being at a loss for words. We know we aren’t alone and this journey has made our marriage and testimonies even stronger.

We spent years watching women becoming mothers and men becoming fathers.

I spent years crying every month when another test failed.

We spent thousands of dollars on doctors with no answers.

I spent countless prayers asking "why?"

We spent hours searching for comfort, articles to explain our situation.

I spent hours in waiting rooms, nervously swaying in my seat.

In our lives, this news is more than a positive pregnancy test and ultrasound.

It carries the pain and years of infertility, negative results, and baffled doctors.

My heart can truly rejoice, because I've felt the emptiness of infertility.

But I will never be able to forget the pain of infertility. I won't forget the women that I've met that still struggle with infertility.

I've read stories similar to the one I'm writing now, with tears in my eyes and jealousy in my heart. I've rolled my eyes and exclaimed "Great for you. It's easy for you to trust in God and give Him everything, but nothing is working for me and I'm still hurting."

I've been there. That's been my home for almost three years. I still fight the temptation to be back in that mindset.

More than share our good news, I want to offer comfort to those hurting. I want our testimony to be heard.

I never want to be insensitive to those who are still hurting. 

There isn't a fix-all. 

I know you’ve heard it before; God brings families together in many different ways. 

Adoption. IVF. Foster. Naturally. 

But sometimes, He doesn’t bring what we believe should be ours.

To everyone that knew about our struggle over the past few years, the prayers, encouragement, and shoulders to cry on have meant more than you will ever know.

Everyone has a different story and this is ours. 

I want the shame that comes with infertility to be banished. 

I want there to be nothing but a positive outlook for women and men that struggle with this. 

It's not fair. 

But, it's not your fault. 

God had to break me and allow me to have nothing, so I could see everything He's done. 

I had to be content with nothing. To truly realize that He was in control and nothing I did would change the outcome. 

Be content with nothing but Him.

But what about the solid, godly women and men who can't have children?

"If it be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the furnace of blazing fire; and He will deliver us out of your hand, O king. "But even if He does not, let it be known to you, O king, that we are not going to serve your gods or worship the golden image that you have set up."

Daniel 3:17-18

If it’s His will, He is able.

Even if not, He is still God.

Even if we weren't pregnant, He is still God.

Even if I stayed infertile for the rest of my life, He is still God.

With this child, I will serve my God.

In raising this child, I will glorify my King.

In our testimony, I want God’s faithfulness to be evident, even if we weren’t given healing.

I wish we were all promised healing. If I had a magic potion, I'd share it with all the hurting women. But, I have a God, and I have His love. Ultimately, that's all I've ever needed.

For those that are hurting from miscarriage to infertility, you are not alone. I understand the shame and guilt that you’re feeling. I’ve dealt with the disappointment and false hopes. I’ve lived the silent war of infertility.

I never want to be insensitive to ones still in pain. We aren't all promised healing. It's not your fault. You are still a vital part of God's plan. I don’t have the perfect Bible verse to speak straight into your heart, or a deep theological explanation for your suffering. All I have is, I’ve been there, and I’m so sorry for your pain. 

I will never take for granted the blessing God has given Brandon and me. I am even more joyous because of the path that we had to go on to get here.

Joining us, January of 2015, baby Crews.

and then there were 3...

what are you doing new year's... (a video)

NYE weekend getaway with Husband.

Roadtrip.

Cabin in the woods.

Biltmore Estate.

Gatlinburg.

Fireworks.

Perfection.

Happiest of New Year's to you!

insta-update

In a nutshell:

We love our church/youth. (Even the drama that follows.)

I still love and take too many pictures of our pups. (Sorry not sorry.)

My Husband likes to dress up. (e.i. My pajamas, ostrich rider, turkey, etc.)

It turned Fall and then Winter. (Crazy, huh?)

I'm still falling in love with living somewhere with actual seasons. (Thanks, TN!)

I painted our dining room set (Thanks, Annie Sloan!)

3 years ago I graduated college and got engaged. (On the same day!)

and

birthday month has already begun! (Can I get a hallelujah?!)

Woo Hoo!

Happy Wednesday!

weekend with the family (a video)

 (best in full screen.)

How was your Labor Day weekend?

Mine was full of family, puppies, food, and laughter.

Just like I like it.

Happy Labor Day!

two years

Today Husband and I celebrated our two year anniversary.
Since we've been traveling all weekend for a wedding,
we decided to have a low-key day.
We drove down the road and spent the afternoon in adorable Bell Buckle, TN!

Now, time for pizza and a scary movie.

We are so romantic.

Dear Handsome,

Thank you so much for everything. I wish I could list out the ways you make my life better, but I know it would take way too long and nobody else would even understand. So, I strive to show you every day how much you mean to me. We made big decisions this past year and I'm so excited to start anew here in Tennessee. It finally feels like home, a place to grow roots. I can't wait to see what this next year brings.

I love you, today, more than ever, and tomorrow, more than that. 

insta-update

Life lately, captured by everyone's favorite app.

Have you guys tried the new app, Vine? It's pretty awesome. Check it out and find me!

Little girls in their sweater. (They have to share clothes.)

Puppy kisses on the nose.

Movie night with Husband, Mrs. Doubtfire.

Seems totally legit.

I spent hours putting together our budget, finding recipes, organizing shopping lists, etc.

This cracked me up!

Husband took Olive out to play disc golf. He left Bailee with me and she was so heartbroken.

Shopping for a youth work day. Had 50 sodas in my cart...didn't tempt me at all! 

Bailee girl chillin' with her dad.

Youth work day! Felt so good to go through junk and organize everything.

Then, Husband took Bailee out and left Olive. Ohmylanta. She's worse than Bailee. Drama Queen.

We had snow flurries and pretty ice this weekend.

Pretty sure Girl Scouts are angels. These are clearly from Heaven.

Why is the avatar me prettier than the real life me?

Subbed for the first time on Tuesday! Loved it. Doing it again tomorrow!

This needs to happen. Also, the girls who raise their eyebrows for every.single.picture. Not cute.

Yes, I have a Giga Pet on my phone.

InLOVE with my new TOMS sweatshirt. Still wearing it. Day 3. Is that weird?

Best Skype date ever. My parents are THE best. And my Bella-Boo. Love them.

Have instagram?

I'd love to follow you!

find me @laurennoelle