baby crews (our story)

We never want to take for granted the things God has given us. 

Until we have seemingly everything, but that one thing...

Brandon and I have been fairly quiet about our struggle. Out of respect for others and mostly because of being at a loss for words. We know we aren’t alone and this journey has made our marriage and testimonies even stronger.

We spent years watching women becoming mothers and men becoming fathers.

I spent years crying every month when another test failed.

We spent thousands of dollars on doctors with no answers.

I spent countless prayers asking "why?"

We spent hours searching for comfort, articles to explain our situation.

I spent hours in waiting rooms, nervously swaying in my seat.

In our lives, this news is more than a positive pregnancy test and ultrasound.

It carries the pain and years of infertility, negative results, and baffled doctors.

My heart can truly rejoice, because I've felt the emptiness of infertility.

But I will never be able to forget the pain of infertility. I won't forget the women that I've met that still struggle with infertility.

I've read stories similar to the one I'm writing now, with tears in my eyes and jealousy in my heart. I've rolled my eyes and exclaimed "Great for you. It's easy for you to trust in God and give Him everything, but nothing is working for me and I'm still hurting."

I've been there. That's been my home for almost three years. I still fight the temptation to be back in that mindset.

More than share our good news, I want to offer comfort to those hurting. I want our testimony to be heard.

I never want to be insensitive to those who are still hurting. 

There isn't a fix-all. 

I know you’ve heard it before; God brings families together in many different ways. 

Adoption. IVF. Foster. Naturally. 

But sometimes, He doesn’t bring what we believe should be ours.

To everyone that knew about our struggle over the past few years, the prayers, encouragement, and shoulders to cry on have meant more than you will ever know.

Everyone has a different story and this is ours. 

I want the shame that comes with infertility to be banished. 

I want there to be nothing but a positive outlook for women and men that struggle with this. 

It's not fair. 

But, it's not your fault. 

God had to break me and allow me to have nothing, so I could see everything He's done. 

I had to be content with nothing. To truly realize that He was in control and nothing I did would change the outcome. 

Be content with nothing but Him.

But what about the solid, godly women and men who can't have children?

"If it be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the furnace of blazing fire; and He will deliver us out of your hand, O king. "But even if He does not, let it be known to you, O king, that we are not going to serve your gods or worship the golden image that you have set up."

Daniel 3:17-18

If it’s His will, He is able.

Even if not, He is still God.

Even if we weren't pregnant, He is still God.

Even if I stayed infertile for the rest of my life, He is still God.

With this child, I will serve my God.

In raising this child, I will glorify my King.

In our testimony, I want God’s faithfulness to be evident, even if we weren’t given healing.

I wish we were all promised healing. If I had a magic potion, I'd share it with all the hurting women. But, I have a God, and I have His love. Ultimately, that's all I've ever needed.

For those that are hurting from miscarriage to infertility, you are not alone. I understand the shame and guilt that you’re feeling. I’ve dealt with the disappointment and false hopes. I’ve lived the silent war of infertility.

I never want to be insensitive to ones still in pain. We aren't all promised healing. It's not your fault. You are still a vital part of God's plan. I don’t have the perfect Bible verse to speak straight into your heart, or a deep theological explanation for your suffering. All I have is, I’ve been there, and I’m so sorry for your pain. 

I will never take for granted the blessing God has given Brandon and me. I am even more joyous because of the path that we had to go on to get here.

Joining us, January of 2015, baby Crews.

weekend with the family (a video)

 (best in full screen.)

How was your Labor Day weekend?

Mine was full of family, puppies, food, and laughter.

Just like I like it.

Happy Labor Day!

El Roi

He sees you, right now.

In your struggle.

In your storm.

He is the God who sees you.

He knows your heart,

your desires.

He loves you, unconditionally.

He's never away from you.

El Roi,

the God who sees me.

dug down deep

This past weekend was Disciple Now Weekend at our church. A weekend retreat for students grade 7th-12th. God did big things through His word, His servants, and Joshua Harris' book, Dug Down Deep. All pictures were taken by our lovely pastor's wife, Jan.

"Why do you call me, 'Lord, Lord,' and do not do what I say? I will show you what he is like who comes to me and hears my words and puts them into practice. He is a man building a house, who dug down deep and laid the foundation on rock. When a flood came, the torrent struck that house but could not shake it, because it was well built. But the one who hears my words and does not put them into practice is like a man who built a house on the ground without a foundation. The moment the torrent stuck that house, it collapsed and its destruction was complete.

Luke 6:46-49

There are two houses in this analogy. 

The first one came to Jesus and lived his life glorifying Him. 

His house was built a solid foundation, Christ. 

The other man came to Jesus, knew the right way, yet refused to live as he should. 

He built his house alone, on no foundation. 

In both stories, we read of a storm coming down on these houses. 

Divorce. Bankruptcy. Job-loss. Miscarriages. Death. Sickness. 

Even as Christians, Christ-followers, we will face storms. 

The outcome, how we deal with our storms, how we survive, all depends on our foundation.

Only one house remained standing. 

The one whose foundation was built on Christ. 

If you build your life, your foundation, on money, what happens when it disappears? 

If your foundation is built on your boyfriend/girlfriend, what happens when they leave? 

If your foundation is built on your job, what happens when you lose it? 

If your foundation is built solely on family, what happens when they are taken away?

All of these; success, relationships, friendships, family, careers, are fine building blocks for your life,

but cannot support you as your foundation.

Christian or not, there will be storms in your life.

What will support you when everything fades?

When you fall, who is catching you?

What is your foundation built on?

the time has come...

You guys remember (this post), right?

Where I was eagerly awaiting December 7, 2012?

That time has come and gone 

and it did not disappoint.

The day after Husband's graduation, 

we road-tripped up to the beautiful state of Tennessee.

After staying the weekend, 

falling in love with the environment, 

and praying super hard...

God finally revealed his plan.

A full-time youth pastor position.

At an amazing church.

In beautiful Murfreesboro, TN.

I'm finally getting my mountains. 

selah.

God is our refuge and strength, 

an ever-present help in trouble.

Therefore we will not fear, 

though the earth give way 

and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,

though its waters roar and foam 

and the mountains quake with their surging. 

Selah.

There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, 

the holy place where the Most High dwells.

God is within her, she will not fall; 

God will help her at break of day.

Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall; 

he lifts his voice, the earth melts.

The LORD Almighty is with us; 

the God of Jacob is our fortress.

Selah.

Come and see the works of the LORD, 

the desolations he has brought on the earth.

He makes wars cease to the ends of the earth; 

he breaks the bow and shatters the spear, 

he burns the shields with fire.

"Be still, and know that I am God; 

I will be exalted among the nations, 

I will be exalted in the earth."

The LORD Almighty is with us; 

the God of Jacob is our fortress. 

Selah.

Psalm 46

life.

(Just for giggles. This was Halloween 2 years ago. I've always been told I have a Cindy-Lou Who nose. I finally decided to embrace it! Husband was Abe Lincoln and Bailee had a little Jockey strapped to her!)

Well, I realized that it has been...
oh, forever
since I've written any details about the craziness of this life!

Husband and I left Sneads and moved to little ole' Graceville.
Husband has a semester and a half left to finish his B.A. degree (wooo!)
so we decided to stop life and focus on that!

I am working at the college that he attends (Go BCF!)
I am the staff writer.
Press Releases are my life.

I love working here again.
(I worked with the President when I was student here...way back in '08!)
There are so many fond memories.
I mean, I met my future husband on this campus!
Happies.

My one and only bigger-than-me little brother is a student here.
Plus, our good friends from back home are students, also!
Which means my house= all boys.
But, it also means I get two extra brothers and I'm in charge (ha!)

Once Husband graduates, (finally!)
we will be putting his resume out everywhere.
I can't wait for next adventure and the little journeys in between.
As long as Husband is holding my hand, I'll go anywhere.

P.S. God is so good. Can I get an "amen"?

life lately

Christmas with the Crews!

Making pizza with Brother and Husband!

                      1. Sunday School craziness!                2. Waffle House midnight run! Happy 6 months!

Yes, I know. CindyLouWho.

Sweet puppy kisses!

McDonalds and Monopoly! Merry Christmas, Handsome!

Well, hi there friends!

Have I got news for you!

WE'RE MOVING!

There, I said it.

It's been inside of me for over a month and I've kept it a secret for way too long!

Brandon and I have served at First Baptist Church of Sneads for almost 3 years. We've been through many trials, but the youth group there has truly stolen our hearts. It'll be tough leaving them, but God has shown us a new path.

Back to school! Back to school!

Brandon and I will be moving back to the Baptist College of Florida in 6 days.

Yes, that's right.

6 daysssss.

Yikes.

We are beyond thrilled for this new life. God showed up and showed off. We got him registered for classes, ready to graduate, found a 2 jobs for me, AND a house to rent, all in the SAME day!

We took this as a big fat blinking sign from God.

And it's the best Christmas present ever.

P.S. Because I'll be pretty busy over the next 6 days (and then the Christmas family traditions) I will go ahead and wish you all a very Merry Christmas!

How Great is Our God?

Usually when I go through trials, I chant lyrics from certain songs...

"I will praise you in this storm..."
or
"Why should I feel discouraged? Why should the shadows come?... His eye is on the sparrow and I know He watches me."

But this time, during this trial, I keep singing "How great is our God?"

All throughout the Bible, we are told to be thankful for the sufferings we endure. It's easy to read. It's easy to say. But when it comes down to putting it into action, it's one of the hardest things to do.

I love music and that's why I always surround myself with lyrics and songs that fit the situation I'm in. It helps bring me to a state of worship and gives me the words to pray. It seems bizarre that this is the song placed on my heart during this past month.

In Chris Tomlin's song "How Great is Our God," those 5 words are repeated over and over.

"How great is our God? 

Sing with me, how great is our God? 

And all will see how great, how great is our God." 

I almost laugh because the last thing I want to chant to myself in the midst of struggle is "how great is this?!"

I can answer that question now.

About a month ago, my heart completely broke. I fell in love with someone I never met and mourned their death at the same exact time. I had a miscarriage. Brandon and I were unaware that I was even pregnant. It was hands down the most traumatic thing I've ever had to deal with. I had so many questions. I wanted all the answers but also wanted everything to go away. I didn't know how to express my feelings. I didn't know how to let Brandon or anyone else help me. I felt so broken.

Last week, I lost my job. I was teaching at a nearby elementary school. There were economical and social problems and finally it all had to end. I was embarrassed, scared, and shocked. I didn't know about the future. I couldn't deal with the present. I wanted to hide from the world. I didn't want to show my face to anyone.

Rumors have started. Looks have been given.

How great is our God?

I didn't write this blog to get sympathy. I wanted to be transparent, real. I wanted to get out everything that's been inside of me for the past month. All the heartache, trouble, and struggles. I wanted everyone to know the truth. And the truth is that God is still in control of my life. He is the beginning and the end. He orchestrated everything that has happened, is happening, and will happen. I shouldn't need "good" things to happen for me to realize how great He truly is.

Through these trials, I've gained two things, faith and hope. Faith in that no matter what I think is best for me and my family, God has even better desires and dreams for me. Faith in Him to always be consistent in His love for me. I gained hope, that one day it very well may be possible for me to have children. I have endometriosis. It's scared me to think about the possibility of not having children. The odds are 50/50 but I serve a God that is the ultimate physician and I know He can heal me. I have hope that there's an even better job out there for me. God knew my heart was torn between teaching and something else. I can now smile in the middle of everything because even though I don't know where He's taking me, I know He won't ever let me go.

That's how great He is.

Blessings.

Since starting my year as a 2nd grade teacher, I have been overwhelmed. I've been stressed out, worried, anxious, fearsome, nervous, tired, exhausted...you name it, I felt it. This job is unlike any other. Not only mentally demanding, but physically and even spiritually too. 

I've honestly been questioning God on His reason for bringing me this oppurtunity. I've been stressing over whether or not this is where I need to be. 

Trial after trial, day after day, I couldn't get a break from the craziness.

I took a day to crawl into my Father's lap. I talked to Him like He was sitting next to me. 

I laughed. 

I cried. 

I yelled. 

I broke. 

I started reading the book of Jeremiah. In the first chapter, one phrase kept repeating itself. 

"Do not fear. I am with you always." 

I realized that through the depressing, busy, crazy month I've been having, I began to blindly hide from God. As soon as one storm came, I ran right into another. I slowly built a wall of stress between myself and The Peacemaker. I was blind. I was hiding from Him. Knowing He could take away my burdens, but questioning why He gave them to me in the first place.

That same day, I was driving home and I heard a song on the radio. I only caught the last verse and chorus, but that was all I needed to hear for God to really smack me in the face. I cried, right then and there. It was as if I had written the song without even knowing it, and someone put it to music. I have never heard of the artist and I certainly never met her before, but I know this song was written for me.

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise