tms week one

What. A. Rollercoaster.

For me, and for you, I want to keep a journal of how each week of treatments go.

I was a ball of nerves walking into my first appointment, Monday afternoon.

Sitting in a chair, stickers and magnets stuck to me, huge mechanical arms behind me... 

I didn't know what to expect, so I defaulted and started crying.

Knowing it was only anxious nerves, I assured my Dr I was fine, just overwhelmed.

They hooked my hand up and "shocked" my brain until my hand/arm involuntarily jerked.

They continued to "shock" me to find my "threshold."

Once they found "that spot" (these re-caps will be full of super science-y words) the fancy computer then told them to move ever so slightly to reach the "deactivated" part of my brain. (The serotonin store.)

Then, they moved the massive magnet to the right spot and started my first treatment at only 80% of my threshold.

It was to gradually increase over the week, ending on Friday at 120% of my threshold.

Once it was over, I was beyond overwhelmed. 

I was feeling all the feels.

Anxious. Excited. Nervous. Hopeful. Nervous about being hopeful. Etc.

I was also experiencing a "new" type of headache. 

(Which is super fun for someone with chronic tension headaches and migraines.)

I felt God nudge me to use my 30 minutes of treatment time in a way that glorified Him.

It had been a while since I felt any Godly nudges, so I immediately acted.

I turned to my family and friends, asking for verses and prayers to copy and bring in with me.

And then Tuesday came...

I honestly have no idea or explanation what happen.

We were supposed to move to 90% and once the "shocks" started, I almost lept out of my chair.

It felt like my eye and eyebrow were being ripped backward.

Twitching is normal, expected, but this was something beyond twitching.

Confused, my Dr lowered the power a little and tried again.

Same thing.

Lowered a little more.

Same thing.

After a quick "pep talk" that translated in my mind as "Lauren, get over it. This will hurt. Suck it up." we basically did the procedure at 82%.

(Please know, my Dr is in NO way a jerk. He is very kind and was worried about me, but also needed to show a little tough love. I'm just a tad sensitive.)

Feeling like a failure, and in a lot of pain, I came home and passed out in bed.

Husband woke me up a few hours later, claiming I'd really want to look outside.

He was right!

Snow!

It was a sweet, simple reminder that God sees me.

(Not to mention the many, many friends covering me in prayers and speaking God's word over me.)

To say I was nervous to return Wednesday is an overstatement.

But the craziest thing happened...nothing happened!

It was the exact opposite of Tuesday's experience and I was able to make it to 90% with no problem.

Thursday, I woke up apprehensive.

I couldn't get past Tuesday's pain to not feel uneasy about that day's procedure.

But as I drove through the beautiful snowy roads and reminded myself of the many, many people praying for me at that exact moment, I walked into the office with unexplainable peace.

(If you follow me on my messy blog Facebook page, you know this part...)

I MADE IT ALL THE WAY TO 110%.

Skipped right past 100% (byyyeeee) and back on schedule.

Or so I thought.

When I returned today, I realized the nurse made a calculation error and I hadn't made it to 110%, but only 100%.

I keep reminding myself that progress is progress.

However, I couldn't help but feel let down for the false hope I'd been riding on the whole day before.

As soon as I sat down today, things immediately felt off.

The dread starting to creep in and sure enough...today hurt.

Just as Tuesday, it was an unbearable pain.

I started crying out of frustration, why does it hurt on some days and not on others?

I started crying out of failure, why can't I progress like everyone else is?

So, today I only made it a little past 100%.

Progress is progress.

Progress is progress.

I am not failing.

I am not defeated.

God is still here and fighting for me.

I have until next Friday to make 120% power.

Please join me in praying that I made that goal.

Progress is progress.