tms week four

 

My sweet valentine's.

Last week, I mentioned taking a survey of sorts every Monday.

I've had some questions on that, so I'll explain a little more.

There are 4 statements per section.

An example: 

0 I like the way I look.

1 There are a few physical changes I wish to make.

2 I wish I could make permanent changes to my appearance.

3 I think I’m ugly.

They refer to body, mind, sleeping, emotions, etc.  

Once you finish, you add them all up and get a single score.

The lower, the better.

Weeks 1 and 2, I was high 30s, in the severe depression range.

Week 3, however, like I mentioned, my score was 18.

I was shocked!

Now, obviously, these surveys are a response to the previous week, not the week ahead.

Week 3 was a rough week for me.

It hurt.

Every facet of my life felt off.

(And, in my true, transparent, messy form: husband and I did get into a little “heated fellowship” over the weekend.)

And that allllll ran into this Monday’s survey.

I was back in the high 30s.

Concerned for the “dip” in score, my Dr asked how I was and mentioned how he was a bit worried this may not be working.

He said it could just a be a bad weekend.

Or it could just be bad timing in life to try TMS.

(To which my brain responded, “Bruh, this IS my life…nothin’ changin’!”) 

Overall, he wants to re-adjust, maybe re-map my brain, and increase.the.power.

Overall, I feel like I failed.

It’s been SO hard to NOT feel defeated. 

After my appointment today, I walked into his office, much like walking into the principals office.

We decided there are two options.

One, we will try Monday. 

Instead of 10 seconds “on” and 10 seconds “off,” there’s a 3 minute option. 

1,000 pulses per minute, for 3 minutes.

See, in my brain, the 10 seconds of relief gets me worked up, preparing for the next round.

I literally start counting by 40s all the way to 3,000.

(That’s why your cards of verses and prayers come in handy!)

I think doing it all at once will hurt, but it will also be over and done with.

Eventually, inevitably, he would like to increase the power.

I’m at 120% now, and the higher we go, the deeper the pulses reach the correct part of my brain. 

Buuuuut, also the more it hurts.

Buuuuuut, but…this is all progress.

It’s all FORWARD progress.

My God, my Dr, my family and friends, are all FOR me.

I’m not failing.

I’m not defeated.

This can still work.