dancing {the post I couldn't write}

Before she could walk, Emmerson could dance. As a former dancer, it does my heart so good to see her moved by music. Dancing with her is one of my favorite things (next to dancing with Husband, of course.)

Dancing is always a release for me, a way to forget everything, even if only for a few minutes. It also gives me reason to be silly and carefree, let go a little. (We could all use a little "let go" time, yeah?)

In my short 27 years, I've learned that life is full of seasons. And the thing about seasons is they are guaranteed to change. Which is scary and refreshing. As much as I love cold weather, I wouldn't enjoy a life of only winter. I hate the summer heat, but I welcome the warm after the cold. To survive these seasons, you have to dance. You have to move from one step to another.

I can appreciate this season because I lived through the last one. I can look forward to the next season because I've learned from the present one. I'll be the first to admit that I don't always dance gracefully through each of life's seasons. Quite the opposite in some most cases. Some seasons require a slow ballet, others an angry lyrical. A beautiful duet with husband, or a quick enthusiastic Charleston. More than anything, I find myself childishly dancing on the shoes of my Creator. Willingly (or un-willingly) allowing Him to lead.

I've been avoiding my blog, (minus the small, fun updates of Emmerson.) I've been pushing back my desire to write about life and what God has done in our lives.

I've been ignoring it completely because this post demands my ugly, flawed heart to be brought into light. It requires me to be vulnerable, imperfect, and every other "bad" word a Christian (let alone a pastor's wife) should be.

Keeping this inside has done nothing but destroy me from the inside out.
It started in my heart.
It took over my mind.
It took captive my thoughts.
It controlled my mouth.
It possessed my body.

The last "deep" post I wrote was in October, the day before we told the world we were moving. Accurately titled, "when it is not well with my soul". (You'll probably want to read that one first, if you haven't already.)

I re-read that blog often and long for the faith of that author. I wish I had her peace. I wish I knew her truths. Which is crazy, because I definitely wrote that myself. But that Lauren, she might as well be a stranger.

Somewhere between writing that post and where I am today,
I forgot to say "it is well with my soul."
Chant "it is well with my soul."
Weep "it is well with my soul."
Whisper "it is well with my soul."
Scream "it is well with my soul."

I have allowed internal and external battles to take my faith, little by little, away from me.

Moving.
New house.
New church.
New people.
New city.
New life.

I was stripped of my music. I felt alone on stage, in the dark. I forgot who was holding me. I forgot who was guiding me, step by step. I forgot who knew the next move before I even got there.

I remember now. That the same God that brings cold seasons, is the same God that brings new life in spring. I can find enough joys in today to get me to tomorrow. I don't always remember all the steps, and I can't even tell you what the next song is, but I can dance right now. I can delight in His presence, give thanks in the suffering, and keep showing up to the party.
I can (and will) say, "it is well with my soul."

My desire is to become a professional dancer with Christ. To be the well rested, well rehearsed partner that leans on the Leader. I hope and pray that Emmerson continues to dance (both physically and spiritually) and my heart equally prays to be that example for her.

No matter what season, no matter what song, dance. Dance, baby girl. He's got you.

Just write.

Writing has always been a form of escape for me. 

When life gets tough, I write. 

When life gets exciting, I write. 

I like to think of it as an overflow of my mind. 

Things get crowded up there and I have to release them somehow. 

So, I write. 

Slowly though (as I see the pattern in almost all my blog friends) blogging becomes more about the readers than the author. I have made some great blog friends through this little blog and of course it's nice to see my followers slowly add up, but I want have to keep things in perspective. 

I tend to mask the imperfections of my life by silly pictures and cute stories. I don't see the need to use this blog as simply a means to complain and vent. But, I also want to remain transparent. I want to be real with you guys.

So...

Marriage is hard.

Life is hard.

There. I said it. 

Shoot me.

As amazing, handsome, and wonderful Husband is, we still have "passionate discussions." 

We still choose silly things over each other. We don't have the cutest couple pictures. 

We still go to bed disgruntled. 

We're learning.

Life isn't a Disney Musical. 

Nobody breaks out in singing and dancing at any given moment, 

and my hair is never perfectly in place.

I cry. I yell. I get angry. I stumble.

I'm learning.

Right now...

I'm stressing about my new job.

Right now...

finances are tight.

Right now...

I'm worried about my health.

Right now...

I'm unhappy with my self.

Right now... 

I'm overwhelmed.

So what pushes me to try and stay positive during trials? What gives me strength when I can't stand? How can I continue to smile in the midst of a storm?

The answer is so obvious, so easy, and yet still needs to be printed on the back of my eyelids.

God

is

in

control.

The bumps in my life aren't a surprise to Him. He's not learning as He goes, like I am.

He knows what I truly need when He takes something away. He knows everything will work out, exactly according to His plan.

Life is getting crazier by the second and there probably won't be as much time for blogging as I'd like. 

I may lose some followers due to lack of interest, but that's okay. 

This is for me. 

For my escape. 

For my sanity. 

For my much needed reminders.

life.

(Just for giggles. This was Halloween 2 years ago. I've always been told I have a Cindy-Lou Who nose. I finally decided to embrace it! Husband was Abe Lincoln and Bailee had a little Jockey strapped to her!)

Well, I realized that it has been...
oh, forever
since I've written any details about the craziness of this life!

Husband and I left Sneads and moved to little ole' Graceville.
Husband has a semester and a half left to finish his B.A. degree (wooo!)
so we decided to stop life and focus on that!

I am working at the college that he attends (Go BCF!)
I am the staff writer.
Press Releases are my life.

I love working here again.
(I worked with the President when I was student here...way back in '08!)
There are so many fond memories.
I mean, I met my future husband on this campus!
Happies.

My one and only bigger-than-me little brother is a student here.
Plus, our good friends from back home are students, also!
Which means my house= all boys.
But, it also means I get two extra brothers and I'm in charge (ha!)

Once Husband graduates, (finally!)
we will be putting his resume out everywhere.
I can't wait for next adventure and the little journeys in between.
As long as Husband is holding my hand, I'll go anywhere.

P.S. God is so good. Can I get an "amen"?

Joy Filled Friday

1 being soda free for 3 weeks 2 weddings! 3 road trips with great company 4 wraps 5 the feeling of being sore, but knowing you did something worth it 6 reading for fun 7 TripleTown...addicted 8 heart-to-heart's with Husband 9 pinterest...addicted 10 Toms. Toms. Toms.

This weekend we are off to visit my in-loves!
When I say we, I mean, myself, Husband, Brother, Friends 1 and 2, plus puppies 1 and 2.
All crammed (with our luggage) in one tiny Honda Civic.
It could be worse, we could be taking my little red bug.
That'd be interesting.
Anyways, the reason for our travel is so exciting!
My brother-in-love (Husband's brother) is getting married in one month!
So, wedding shower for the soon-to-be Sister-in-love is top priority on the weekend agenda.
With the occasionally movie, disc golf, and a high school musical (not THE High School Musical), this weekend is sure to be a blast.

It's just what the doctor ordered. I lovelove getaways!

Mini Messages

Our first picture together. This was about 4 years ago. When phone camera's were lame and the pictures turned out really small.

But I love it nontheless.

Dear Job,
I love you. Seriously. Why did it take you so long to come into my life?

Dear Husband,
I think it's so cute that you're a little student once more. I'm totally relieved I don't have to worry about writing papers or taking tests, but I will always, always be in your life to plan out and organize your schedule. It's a twisted joy of mine.

Dear Sleep,
I don't know what I've done to make you leave me, but please come back. I miss you. I need you.

Dear Motivation,
I finally found you again. New, healthier, Lauren...here I come!

Dear Week,
You are FULL of funtimes. Friends, Family, Food. Love. Love. Love.

Don't forget! Tomorrow is our next gtkY!



Mini Messages

(Day Date before the David Crowder* Band Concert last November)

Dear Mr. Cough,
You have over-stayed your visit by a mile. Please leave. Now is great time.

Dear Olive,
This past winter you "became a woman!" I never thought the first time I had to buy diapers would be for my dog. It was fun and all, but your surgery is in the process of being scheduled.

Dear BCF,
You hold such a warm, strong grip on my heart. It was on your campus that I met and fell madly in love with Husband. It was on your campus that I worked side by side with the President and all the wonderful (and I truly mean, wonderful!) staff. It was on your campus that I graduated with my B.A. degree and now, on your campus, I get to work once again while Husband finishes his degree. I lovelovelove you.

Dear blogworld friends,
I haven't ever spoken to most of you and many of you I've never met, but I feel like such close friends! Reading your blogs about your daily joys, struggles, love, and faith bring such happiness to my heart! I plan on doing things in the near future to show my gratitude.

Dear Husband,
It's been a whirlwind of events this past month, but I'd fight through every storm with you by my side. I'm already in love with our new life. It's like a breath of fresh air, a complete blessing from God. I love you, Handsome. Thank you for following God's will, I'm always right behind.

life lately

Christmas with the Crews!

Making pizza with Brother and Husband!

                      1. Sunday School craziness!                2. Waffle House midnight run! Happy 6 months!

Yes, I know. CindyLouWho.

Sweet puppy kisses!

McDonalds and Monopoly! Merry Christmas, Handsome!

Well, hi there friends!

Have I got news for you!

WE'RE MOVING!

There, I said it.

It's been inside of me for over a month and I've kept it a secret for way too long!

Brandon and I have served at First Baptist Church of Sneads for almost 3 years. We've been through many trials, but the youth group there has truly stolen our hearts. It'll be tough leaving them, but God has shown us a new path.

Back to school! Back to school!

Brandon and I will be moving back to the Baptist College of Florida in 6 days.

Yes, that's right.

6 daysssss.

Yikes.

We are beyond thrilled for this new life. God showed up and showed off. We got him registered for classes, ready to graduate, found a 2 jobs for me, AND a house to rent, all in the SAME day!

We took this as a big fat blinking sign from God.

And it's the best Christmas present ever.

P.S. Because I'll be pretty busy over the next 6 days (and then the Christmas family traditions) I will go ahead and wish you all a very Merry Christmas!

Blessings.

Since starting my year as a 2nd grade teacher, I have been overwhelmed. I've been stressed out, worried, anxious, fearsome, nervous, tired, exhausted...you name it, I felt it. This job is unlike any other. Not only mentally demanding, but physically and even spiritually too. 

I've honestly been questioning God on His reason for bringing me this oppurtunity. I've been stressing over whether or not this is where I need to be. 

Trial after trial, day after day, I couldn't get a break from the craziness.

I took a day to crawl into my Father's lap. I talked to Him like He was sitting next to me. 

I laughed. 

I cried. 

I yelled. 

I broke. 

I started reading the book of Jeremiah. In the first chapter, one phrase kept repeating itself. 

"Do not fear. I am with you always." 

I realized that through the depressing, busy, crazy month I've been having, I began to blindly hide from God. As soon as one storm came, I ran right into another. I slowly built a wall of stress between myself and The Peacemaker. I was blind. I was hiding from Him. Knowing He could take away my burdens, but questioning why He gave them to me in the first place.

That same day, I was driving home and I heard a song on the radio. I only caught the last verse and chorus, but that was all I needed to hear for God to really smack me in the face. I cried, right then and there. It was as if I had written the song without even knowing it, and someone put it to music. I have never heard of the artist and I certainly never met her before, but I know this song was written for me.

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise

slow down, please.

(Sweet Littlegirl and I on our weekend roadtrip. Can I just stay on vacation forever?!)

Life got crazy. Really fast and without my permission.

(Like God needs my permission...ha!)

I should first say, God has blessed our lives tremendously in the past few days and in the days to come!

It all started last Wednesday.

I was helping a friend move into her dorm (Shout out to Kayla!) and we talked about a teaching position open at the local elementary. 

I laughed at the information because I had truly and honestly given up on ever teaching there.

After 5 interviews at the same school...you just stop putting yourself out there!

Now rewind to Thursday morning, 9am.

My phone when off, saying I had a missed call and voicemail (dumb cell service.)

Who called? None other than the principal from said elementary school. She was unusually happy telling me to call her back.

So, I did.

And what do you know?

I got the job.

Whaaaaat?!

Yep, that's right. I am no longer teaching middle school. God answered my prayers and put me back into my element. Mrs. Crews will be teaching 2nd grade. Sigh.

Well, after crying, praying, and talking on the phone, things sped up.

-Drove to school to get my key to my room.

-Had to hurry because the youth were all going bowling.

-Car wouldn't start in school parking lot.

-Husband to the rescue.

-Car stopped/died/hated me on the way to the church.

-Bowling with youth.

-Towed car to safer destination.

-Moved classroom around.

-Friday: Left for In-loves.

-Saturday: Tampa wedding for my cousin.

-Sunday: Back home (6+ hours driving...for Husband)

-Monday: 8:30am sharp begins my journey as a first year public school teacher! Files, papers, fingerprints, I.D.'s, orientations, etc.

Tuesday: Breathe.

So, blog friends. I may not be posting much. Seeing how I cannot breathe until Tuesday.

If you do, pray pray pray for me! There is "minor" personal issue with the job but I know that if God brought this into my life, His strength will help me get through it!